Why Tobi Shouldn't Cook
by Carnation Cascade
Summary: When Tobi adds an... unknown substance into the Akatsuki's dinner and they decide to play a game later on. CRACK! Rated T just in case.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto (if I did, none of the Akatsuki would have died and they would've dominated the world by now)**

A/N:

Finally getting started on something that has at least _some_ substance to it. But then again, crack _is_ still crack. IMHO I seriously need to work on my humor. Or my lack thereof, rather ._. Also I'm trying to work on my English. I obviously abuse commas and 'and's way too much.

Haha, this one's for all the Akatsuki fans out there (like me!); because the Akatsuki are too cool to be villains, they're awesome antiheroes!

Review if you would like to, and criticism is accepted!

Enjoy

**Why Tobi shouldn't cook**

Chapter 1: Tobi cooks

It was Saturday night, and Saturdays were Tobi's turn to cook.

Naturally that placed all the other Akatsuki members on full guard, since Tobi was considered the nuttiest kid on the block, and there was no telling just _what_ he'd do to their food. So despite Kakuzu's violent objections against 'such wastage of cash', they made it the top of their priority list to have a set of silver needles ready before their Saturday meals.

Not that they were like, scared of being poisoned by some swirl-faced kid or anything. Nope, nope, definitely not.

It was just another regular Saturday night, the Akatsuki's night off from whatever assassination/bounty/hunting job they had.

Except that Tobi wanted to 'try' out 'something new'.

Unbeknownst to the others, a small storm was brewing in the kitchen.

When Tobi said he wanted to try something new, he had meant adding every single ingredient ne could find on the kitchen table to his tomato stew. "Tobi is a good boy!" He sang, casually grabbing several unlabeled bottles of unidentified substances and dumping them in the stew. Thankfully, these were mere condiments like salt and sugar, which would of course give the soup a weird taste, but the Akatsuki could never really complain, because their own cooking hardly fared any better at all. Tobi dipped his finger into the food and tasted it. "It's too salty! Tobi needs to dilute it! Because Tobi is a good boy!"

Suddenly, Tobi spotted a tiny bottle of a clear, transparent liquid, which reminded him of water.

He had a not-so-good brainwave and picked it up from the table.

He twisted open the cap.

He studied the contents.

Then he poured every single drop of it out into the tomato stew.

"Dinner is done! Tobi is a good boy!"

Pure happiness and pride was radiating from the orange-masked man as he watched his fellow partners-in-crime file into the kitchen. He hurriedly lay the table with a pink unicorn table mat and set Carebear bowls and My Little Pony character-themed cutlery on the table.

"What the _–censored- _?!" Hidan yelled at the disgusting set up. The Jashinist grabbed the seat furthest from Tobi and sat himself down lazily, the blood from his just-completed ritual leaving a trail down the stairs.

Tobi began scooping the chunky-looking stew into his 'friends'' bowls, humming the Sesame Street theme song as he did so. This earned him glares and stares and a "He's finally lost his marbles, un.".

And thus dinner commenced, with the usual squabbling amongst the Akatsuki accompanied by numerous flinging spoonfuls of tomato stew across the table. That was when Zetsu, all serious-looking, entered the room.

"Has anyone seen my truth serum?"


	2. Chapter 2

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Naruto.

A/N:

Hey, here's the second (slightly longer) chapter!

I would like to thank those who reviewed, it really made my day

As always, reviews are greatly appreciated!

Enjoy

Why Tobi Shouldn't Cook

Chapter 2: Truth or Dare?

"No." Sasori answered bitterly. "You should know better than to leave your dangerous belongings all over the place."

"Well I thought I had it with me, but **who cares just give it to me if you see it **I mean, I think I last saw it in the kitchen. It's a small bottle with colorless liquid in it."

"OH TOBI KNOWS! Tobi thought it was water and poured it into the soup!" The bubbly man chirped excitedly.

There was dead silence.

Tension hung in the air as all members of the Akatsuki carefully contemplated whatever had just transpired.

Kisame stared at his soup with uncertainty.

Itachi continued drinking it, because he thought it was cranberry juice (their taste buds were dead from months of horrid cooking).

Kakuzu glared at Tobi with narrowed eyes.

Hidan had flipped the entire bowl the first chance he'd gotten. Now he lay twitching on the floor, desperately trying to get the serum out of his stomach.

Sasori proceeded to retreat into Hiruko, while Deidara tried his best to _not_ release a… manly scream.

Pain maintained his stoic expression as he thought about all the possible consequences.

Konan backed off into the toilet slowly. And locked the door.

"Did Tobi do something wrong?" Tobi asked, looking absolutely oblivious.

Pain decided to be the calm, cool leader he was and turned to Zetsu, "How long will it take for the serum to take effect?"

"I have **no idea**," came Zetsu's truthful answer.

The frown on the Akatsuki's Leader's face deepened.

"TOBI KNOWS! Tobi thinks we should all play a game to pass time! Before the thing takes effect!"

"SHUT YOUR _-censored_- FACE YOU -_censored_- LITTLE -_censored_-! ! #$%^&*()_*&^$# #$%^&*!" A string of colourful expletives from Hidan's mouth attacked Tobi.

"What's this? Are you too scared to even play a simple game, you wuss?" Kisame taunted, trying to get back at the Jashinist for putting goldfish in his room the week before.

" -censored- , Kisame! I—"

"Heh, you always talk big but you're just a timid lil' mouse, un!" Deidara chipped in.

"JASHIN WILL—"

"If you're not a wuss, prove it. Man up, shut up and play the game," growled the Puppet Master, who'd emerged from his puppet. He led by example, sitting down on the sofa in the living room.

"FINE! LET'S PLAY!"

Hidan paused when he realised how childish that sounded, then turned to ask the rest, who were now all heading for the living room. "Wait, what are we playing?"

He swore he saw a single red eye glow faintly from the opening in Tobi's mask. But it was gone again, in the blink of an eye.

"Truth or Dare!"

"How… apt." Itachi muttered to himself.

The Akatsuki were all scattered across the small living room, mostly crowded around the sofa area.

Tobi took it upon himself to go first. He set a kunai on the coffee table and spun it.

Everyone watched with bated breath as the pointed end of the kunai turned and turned and… stopped, pointed towards…

The great Uchiha Itachi himself.

Said man gave a slight scowl whilst folding his arms before his chest. "… Truth."

Tobi eye-smiled. He jumped out of his seat and inquired enthusiastically, "So, Itachi-san, is it true that you keep a photo album of Sasuke under your pillow? And and and you read it every night?"

The Uchiha's crimson eyes widened; he hurriedly gave a short "No" and was about to spin the kunai, when he suddenly opened his mouth and went "Actually yes I do my little brother may be a fool but he is very much endearing and I stalk him quite a fair bit and have you seen his childhood photos? They're so cute I —"

Itachi clamped a hand over his mouth in utter shock, attempting to eat the words that he was about to spit out.

"Whoahh~ Somebody's the loving big brother~" Hidan mocked, grinning from ear to ear.

When Itachi had finally stopped his oncoming flow of words, he shot a glare in Hidan's direction and spun the kunai, wondering which member would be next.

The kunai stopped.

The Uchiha _almost_ let himself smirk.

"_Hidan._"


	3. Chapter 3: A Truth and A Dare

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.**

**A/N:**

**Sorry for this really short Chapter 3! I was trying to make my chapters longer but you know, there's always that point where you have to stop for effect!**

**Thank you for all the reviews I'll try to improve my crack but I don't know if I can because this_ is_ the first time I'm writing crack. **

**A certain reviewer also mentioned that I had some errors in the story so I really apologize for that. **

**Oh yes, and some parts of this chapter were inspired by Death Obelisk (you can look him/her up) who writes Fanfiction for Fairy Tail! Many thanks to Death Obelisk!**

**Reviews appreciated!**

**Enjoy**

* * *

Why Tobi Shouldn't Cook

Chapter 3: A Truth and A Dare 

"-_censored_- ." Hidan swore. He shouldn't have ridiculed the man. "Uh… Truth." There was no telling what they'd make him do for a dare.

Deidara leapt at the chance. He probed, "So, Hidan, care to share who's the pink-haired someone whose been in your room for the past week, un?"

Hidan blanched.

Itachi raised his eyebrows. Could it possibly be… _Sakura_? The very thought sent shudders down his spine. He'd thought the pink-haired kunoichi was with… someone else.

Hidan adjusted his pike nervously as he felt the surge of words forcing their way up his throat. Before he knew it, he was spilling the beans.

"She's my favourite. I mean, I'm a man and all, and they're all irresistibly cute, but she just stands out the most! She has such a cheerful personality, the most beautiful pink hair I've ever seen, the slimmest legs and those _mesmerizing_ eyes! Not to mention her perfect hooves—"

"HOOVES?!" Came the collective holler.

Hidan tried to stop himself but to no avail. "Yeah, hooves! Pinkie Pie rocks my world! I cuddle her plushie [Pain choked a bit here] to sleep every night, and I am her major fan—I have 25 different kinds of Pinkie Pie plushies, a stationary set, keychains—"

That was when the silver-haired man snatched a glass of water from the coffee table and practically shoved it down his throat. Only then did he stop blabbering.

Red-faced, he spun the kunai with a quick vulgarity escaping his lips.

The weapon went in a circle once more, pointing at various members as it spun past, and everyone had their fingers crossed.

After what seemed like eternity, the kunai slowed almost to a stop before Kakuzu.

"Oh Kuuuuuuzuuuuuu~" Hidan drawled, ready to find out about his partner's most shameful secrets, after all it was only fair since he'd had to reveal his love for a My Little Pony character.

Kakuzu stealthily slid a tentacle under the table and gave it a small bump.

Then the kunai shifted to point in Hidan's direction.

"! #$%! What the -censored- Kakuzu! You -_censored_- -censored!" Screamed Hidan. He was going to throttle the masked man any second now.

Sasori glowered at Hidan. "The kunai is pointed at _you_. Truth or dare, just say it already."

"DARE! DARE!" Hidan wasn't about to blurt out any more embarrassing secrets.

Itachi had a smug look on his face when he responded smoothly, "Then why don't you show us this collection of 'Pinkie Pie' items you have?"

"OOH YES YES! Hidan-san, Tobi still doesn't know what a 'Pinkie Pie' is!" went the swirl-face.

Before another profanity could be unleashed from Hidan's secret stash of profanities, Pain spoke up, "Play by the rules Hidan. You chose dare, so do it."

Nobody dared to defy the great leader of the Akatsuki. So Hidan picked his miserable self off the couch, traipsed into his room and brought out his entire Pinkie Pie collection. 

At that very moment, the phrase 'MY EYES THEY BURN' wasn't so overrated anymore.

* * *

**A/N:**

**I don't mean to offend any MLP fans, I think MLP is nice and I have nothing against Pinkie Pie. At all. I just thought it was a natural Akatsuki-reaction :P (If you don't know who Pinkie Pie is, just look it up on Google Images **** Your eyes **_**might**_** burn, though.)**


	4. Chapter 4: Why did I choose dare, un?

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Naruto.**

**A/N:**

**Hi there, and welcome to the fourth Chapter (these are so short I don't think it's legit to call them chapters actually)**

**Gosh apologies for taking so long to get this done! There was something pretty major on, and I had to take time off to prep for it. So… yeah.**

**Anyhow, a million thanks to the awesome reviewers, and yes, I'd love it if you keep the reviews coming ****  
**

**Enjoy**

* * *

Why Tobi Shouldn't Cook

Chapter 4: _Why did I choose dare, un?_

It took a while for the Akatsuki to scrub their eyeballs and scream and compose themselves after their brief encounter with... several uh, ponies.

(But then again, mental scarring is _forever._)

Hidan was all geared up and raring to spin the kunai, and hopefully it wasn't going to point at him. Again.

And so the kunai performed its duty, spinning for a rather long time this round, probably because Hidan had used too much force (no surprise there).

"YES!" Came Hidan's elated shout. It wasn't him, after all. It was…

"Damn, un."

"Sucks to be you, Deidara." Kisame sniggered.

"You'll get your turn soon, just you wait, un." The blonde shot back aggressively.

"Dare," Deidara spat, annoyed that the kunai had betrayed him.

Hidan took a moment to think. What would be the best thing for Deidara to do? Convert to Jashinism? Dare him to stop blowing things up? Admit that Sasori's art was better than his own?

He paused. _Speaking of Sasori…_

"Ahem, here is my verdict!" he yelled in a declarative manner and shot up from his seat as he did so.

The Akatsuki stared at him expectantly. Except Deidara, who stared at him hatefully.

"Make Sasori agree to go on a date with you."

All at once the Akatsuki erupted into roars of laughter, but Deidara stoned in his seat, and Sasori tried to escape. Going on a date with the brat? _Hell_ no. Just HELL NO. Sasori could barely stand breathing the same air as him for more than five seconds.

"What?! Wait I change my mind, I choose tru—"

Deidara halted mid-speech upon laying his eyes on Hidan's somewhat sadistic/gleeful/creepy expression.

"Uh. Never mind, un."

The self-proclaimed artist turned to face Sasori.

He took a deep breath.

He cleared his throat.

"So… Will you… " Deidara almost started gagging on his words.

Sasori's eyes narrowed in response. "Shut it, brat," he warned, Hiruko's tail rattling threateningly.

"Go oooon~" Drawled an almost-losing-his-mind-from-ecstasy Hidan.

"Well," Deidara was beginning to sweat profusely, "you're my _dana_, un. You can just say yes…?"

There was the sudden ripping sound of leather being torn, and it was to Kakuzu's (and Deidara's) sheer horror to find a gaping hole in the couch, with lots of fluff exposed. Kakuzu was gasping for air and internally doing calculations about how much it would cost him to get it repaired.

"Well somebody's gonna get a heart attack." Itachi muttered.

Paying them absolutely no attention, Hidan egged Sasori on."Go on, go on~ Make him wear a dress, those frilly ones I saw in his room the other day, " The man told Sasori in a not-so-soft-whisper.

The blonde blanched violently and seemed to be about to protest when the words came flying right out of his mouth.

"—Why did you have to pick the frilly ones, un? They're special to me and I can't risk getting them dirty because—"

Hidan waved his hand dismissively. "Puh-lease, just go do it."

"NO!"

"I might say yes if you do," came the baritone voice of Hiruko.

Deidara came to realise he was stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea, and it sucked that he had no choice but to pick one of them.

So he chose.

"Fine, un. But only to get this over and done with!"

He then stormed off to his room, stayed in there for awfully long a time, and eventually poked his head out of the room.

Through gritted teeth, he managed a "Don't laugh, un." (To which Hidan 'swore' he wouldn't.)

And proceeded to step out.

The Akatsuki was stunned. Like tranquilizer-shot stunned. No actually more like I-just-found-a-cookie-under-my-bed stunned.

Their fellow partner-in-crime was garbed in a, of all things, wedding gown. A pink-and-white wedding gown complete with a portrait neckline, drop waist, and a three fluffy tiers enhanced by frills.

Kisame let out a low whistle and Konan grabbed a magazine to cover Pain's eyes with. Hidan guffawed boldly about how he knew who would be the one 'wearing the pants' in the 'marriage'.

("We are NEVER—"

"—ever ever ever getting back togetherrrrr~"

"GETTING MARRIED!")

"Hurry up and say yes!" A very flushed Deidara hissed angrily.

Sasori smirked, stared skyward for a second, the turned to face his team partner. "How about… NO,"

That was when Deidara lost it and started hurling his stiletto heels at Sasori while the rest tried to avoid the shoes as the latter deflected them easily with Hiruko's tail.

* * *

**A/N:**

**Heheh guess who was singing the Taylor Swift song? And I hope you liked the joke about the pants XD**

**The next chapter might come quite late because I have something major on soon so my apologies in advance!**


End file.
